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July 31st, 2011 at 4:52am]

 I'm not sorry about how things worked out. I'm not sorry about the harsh things I said, because to most everyone, you're the town drunk. You reacted about losing your potential child the way you acted when your lizard was sick. You are sick. It is entirely healthy for me to have words towards you, especially with how you act. You lack responsibility, you lack the comprehension to relate to other's pain, even if you help inflict it. I'm happy this happened to me because it opened my eyes that you cannot love someone who doesn't love themselves. I'm sorry you have awful things to say about me and constantly people report that to me. I don't want  to be your friend, I don't want to make things right. You were something I knew that never would be permanent. I looked at you and never saw a future, how could I? You cannot even manage to take control of your life or step up when needed. I convinced myself the coward I saw before me would eventually become a man worthy of the affection, time, and patience I had given. I hope you do move to Chicago, you really, truly, need a wake up call. You live a fantasy life, everyone's supposed to feel bad for you, but you haven't managed to do a damn thing to make yourself a better person. But who knows, maybe with the change of environment you may just do it without going through awful things. If you were so stressed and upset you would seek treatment, if you were so worried about being broke, you'd proactively look for a better or even a second job, if you really cared, you would have forgiven, tried to understand and actually helped. I once felt sorry for you, I once thought I was too hard on you, but now I see it's easier to just not try or let yourself be vulnerable. I know I'm not perfect. I know I did and said wrong things but I always tried to make up for them. I know I cannot insult someone to prove a point. I know that I took a step in the right direction by focusing on my education, being happy for the life I do have and going to therapy. I cannot mourn the fact that I couldn't make things right with you, it takes two, and I was almost always alone, but I can forgive you. I can even forgive you for telling me to just "get over" the abortion since it wasn't my first. That was an obvious low, thoughtless blow on your part. You cannot fathom what it is like to actually go through the process of handling such a thing. It is not like taking a shit, it's a bit less common, more painful, and changes you entirely. I can learn from it. I can smile back on the good moments with you, and recognize that the bad things happened for better things to come. I hope you eventually get yourself straight, it would be a shame to waste such a potentially wonderful person due to things that could be fixed if given the effort. I'm not going to say you deserve hell, but you don't deserve the kindness people have shown you no matter how many times you screw them over. 
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June 26th, 2011 at 4:04am]

[ mood | angry ]

 You said you hated the way they made me act. I told you I stopped taking them. I didn't. This week after you left me I tried, and I need them. Without them I'm the person you thought that took them. I needed to drink or use them. It masked my fear or allowing people in. It helps turn me into the social butterfly I once was. I'm sorry I'm damaged. I gave the best parts of me away a long time ago. I am not sorry that we're done.
I meant when I told you I felt I was being used. I quit my job today, lets see if you bother coming back now without me to pay for your every need.

Goodbye and good luck

PS. Your friends SUCK. Comparing your best friend to the cable guy is not a good sign, but at least he was happy that he got you back for only himself. And yes, I am moving in September, being a townie is the last thing I want to do with my life, especially in Michigan.
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Always Your Bro [Tuesday
April 5th, 2011 at 6:18pm]


Dear Dylan,

You are my best friend, I hope you know. You have been ever since you moved here three years ago. It’s already been three years, has it? Goodness time flies. We really hit it off, huh? Our personalities really fit together perfectly. It was only natural that we would end up dating for two years. When we broke up, though, I understood and I didn’t shed a single tear. Honestly, I tried to cry about it because that’s what normal girls do. I just couldn’t manage to. I thought I was over it because of the fact that I couldn’t cry for you, but I was wrong.

I still love you. With all my heart. No matter how much I try to deny it, whenever another girl talks to you I want to tell them to back the hell off. The thing is, though, I just don’t have the right to say that anymore. I’m not your girlfriend and you don’t love me. I could just tell you that I love you enough to kill for you, it’s just that easy. It may seem like an over-used statement, but I can’t risk losing our friendship.

I’m goddamn lucky that we’re still friends. You even invite me over occasionally to draw comics with you and to play videogames with you and your awesome friends. Even though I can’t have you, the memories of our happiness together are good enough for me. I can live with being your bro instead of your girl. Even though I can’t verbalize three simple words in your presence, I want you to know that no matter who you chose to be with in this life, even if it’s not me, I just want you to be happy. To live your life to the fullest. Just please…don’t forget me.

Always Yours,


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When train travel has a meaning [Tuesday
March 15th, 2011 at 3:02pm]

This train with purple red green white wagons leaves every hour from the older station of the Hague to Brussels; I have taken this train more often than any other train in my life and no other wagon makes me so melancholy when it passes by, leaving me behind and forcing me to take the local tram to my university. Although it breaks my heart to leave you in those early Monday mornings, and I hate nothing more than stepping into this train, my mind full of inconsolable and glum thoughts, I know I will spend a lot of time in the train and it ultimately brings me to my happiness, my world, my sun.

I know the conductors of the train, there is this elderly woman who is from Belgium and who has checked me for last four times. She gives fines quite often and doesn’t like to smile very much. I think she is unhappy to find passengers without tickets., bur I have always I had my ticket for her. She recognized me today and said To Brussels again, I see!.

I often leave late Friday-evening to Brussels and in the dorms I always meet some of my classmates who always ask where I’m heading off for the weekend. They have seen me so often with my suitcase on Fridays that many already just wish me have a nice time in Brussels and one night I a half-full bottle of wine to bring to you when she found out where I am going. Every single time I say I’m going to Brussels, people know that I’m actually coming to you & I will definitely enjoy my weekend.

The train is always late.Collapse )
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March 10th, 2011 at 12:38am]

I haven't written anything to you in a while... I've been trying to avoid you. I started sleeping with someone while you were gone, and you've seen us together. I'm sure you know it's because I tried to use that as a way to get over you. It doesn't work. When I'm next to him, I wish it was you.
I know lately I've been less than polite and to be honest, I'm so appalled by myself.
I hate how we are. I don't know what else to do other than give up on you, move on, and try and be your friend.
Maybe one day you'll tell me what you honestly want.
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Who do you think you are? [Wednesday
March 2nd, 2011 at 2:20pm]

Its been over a month...

and yes I still miss you...

but the real emotion I feel when I think of you is anger.

I feel foolish...I feel used...I feel like I wasted so much of my energy on loving you.

But then I feel guilty for feeling these things.

Were your words true? I suppose they were. But they were the same words you told the rest of the 'widows club'. I feel sick when I think about that...I feel like I want to dig you out of your fancy grave and spit on your casket.

But then I feel guilty for feeling that too.

So, I have moved on...I put your obituary and the draft of the letter I sent you for Christmas in the frame that held the picture that sat by my bed for so many months. I put the frame in a drawer face down so I don't have to look at it any more. I've slowly deleted your saved text messages...reading them one last time and remembering all the truth or lies...the smiles and the pain...the hours of my life wasted each day daydreaming about you and I being together someday.

I don't think of you 24/7 anymore...I almost want to delete every trace of you out of my life...even the people I met because you died. I want to delete your Facebook sometimes...and I refrain for some reason. Probably regret, because I know you will never be able to accept my friend request again. I assigned a new contact on my phone to flash green when they call or text...trying to make a new memory of something that simple...its sounds so stupid but its nice to smile when I see the green flash...a legitimate smile...one that I know for a fact will bring me true happiness. I met a man...a man that is nothing like you. The complete opposite of you...someone who not only cares truly, madly, deeply for me...but a man that actually wants me to be a full part of his life. And I think of you when we are together sometimes...I hope that you are looking down on us and seeing the happiness in my eyes and the smile on my face. I hope you see everything that you could have had...all of me...and I want you to be happy for me and to be sad that you refused to give it a chance.

But then I feel guilty for that too...

So, I will finish removing you from my life...I'm sick of stumbling upon things that remind me of you. I'm sick of your memory haunting me. I will always have our moments we shared deep inside of me somewhere...but I am so glad that you are not around anymore...cause you never changed...you still ran around collecting your jar of hearts. And now your body matches the ice inside of your soul...

And now I feel guilty for even writing this...
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final goodbye. [Tuesday
February 22nd, 2011 at 8:42pm]


You once told me that I didn't have a right to get mad at you for hurting me the way I almost hurt someone else, but you know what? I did. I had every right to because I didn't follow through with it like you did, and it wasn't against you, it was against someone else, months before, which doesn't make it right that you used it against me because you weren't around when it happened.

You once told me that no relationship is easy, but that's false too. Because you know what? My relationship with Jessie is easy because we get along perfectly, and when we're talking, we actually listen to what the other person has to say, unlike you ever did since everything you ever cared about or talked bout was what went wrong in your life.

You told me I was immature. Immature means emotionally undeveloped, juvenile, and childish. It means lacking wisdom, insight, emotional stability, etc. Who was the one who freaked out at their house when I was there with a friend that didn't even want to be there? You. Who was the one who faked things to get attention? You. Who was the one that flipped out on me and fell to the pavement crying when I had three other people in my car and made themselves look ridiculous? You. If I'm not mistaken, you can count your friends on one hand so what does that say about you? Honestly people cannot stand you. I couldn't even last three weeks without something going wrong or taking a turn for the worse. And you're going to sit there and tell me that I need to start acting like an adult yet I'm only 17. I'm a lot more mature than you are and you're how old? and doing..wait, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, that's right. You're flooding my phone with your ridiculous text messages, a month after we've broken up with problems that I really shouldn't know about/that don't concern me. Did you expect me to run back to you as you told me things that were wrong in your life? Did you expect me to come over and comfort you? I sure as hell hope not.

You're stuck at home every day because you've clung to every other friend you've had and they can't take you for a long period of time because of stress you put onto them. You're not in school, you don't have a job, you're mean and you twist things around, you talk shit about every single person in your life and you cannot be trusted. With anything. Because in the end, everything I ever told you blew up in my fucking face.

You're right, the world does need more great people because you're definitely not one of them. You made people up and thought it gave you the right to bitch me out. You cheated on me, yet I'm the one who's not trustworthy because when we broke up I was talking to someone else? Weren't you doing the same with whats her face? Or did you make that up too along with the other three people who supposively are all over you?

"I know you have a heart. You just have this icy barrier that surrounds it, that someone once placed there and your resentment has made it colder and impossible to break" I don't have an icy barrier. I was just looking out for myself because I knew how fucked up you were. You're right, I shouldn't have taken you back the many times that I did. I should've listened to my friends, I should've listened to my sister, I should've fucking listened to my mom. Because if you didn't know, all of them dislike you.

You said you wanted my respect? You've got a funny way of showing it. I mean, after calling me everything you did. After cheating on me, after embarrassing me in front of my friends, after putting me through things that you did that I've still kept hidden from all my fucking friends, YOU expect MY respect? Are you crazy? That's not how respect works. You said you love me to death? You don't hurt the people you love. Looking at me and talking to me "burns your skin" and "breaks your heart"? THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL TEXTING ME AND TALKING TO ME? Your ex's are only crazy because you made them go crazy with your obnoxious lies and terrible view of things.

When I saw you, you told me I shined and that I looked happy and you know what? I am. Five months ago last week, you cheated on me. It took you three weeks into a relationship to cheat on me but Jessie? She's wonderful and she's amazing and such a good change from you. She listens and she helps me and she cares and she tells me good things. She's sweet and fun to be around and not dramatic or obsessed with bad things that occur in her life. She likes the same things I do and my relationship with her is better than any relationship I've put myself in. All my friends love her. Even Jen. Which is weird, but good, because Jen's never liked anyone I've dated. She especially didn't like you.

Now I'm done with you and I'm done thinking about you. When you come back to me in a couple weeks and try to be my friend, like I know you will, I'll show you this. I'm finally happy and you'll never be able to mess with my feelings again.

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January 23rd, 2011 at 8:58pm]

On nights like this I miss you.

I long for you.

I wonder about you.

Have I met you yet? Did I lose you? Have a walked by you millions of times without once realizing it was you?
Everyone tells me that you'll be found the moment I stop looking for you. But isn't that kind of like giving up? I don't want to give up on you before I have the chance to even meet you, or meet you as something entirely new.

Now don't get me wrong, waiting for you never was an issue.
It's the missing that I have a problem with.

I swear you can talk to me.
I promise I won't bite.
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January 22nd, 2011 at 3:58am]

I hate this. I hate you. I hate that I just lied about hating you. You'll be home tomorrow, I'm getting you from the airport. I'm happy, but sad at the same time. I'm sad because out of anger I rushed to the arms of another. I'm happy because after all the terrible things I said to you, you refuse to let me out of your life. It's hard for me to explain how much I want to tell you that it kills me every time I'm around you because you don't want me in the way I want you, but it kills me when you're not there either. So I swallow my pride and still pressure myself into doing whatever I can to help you or make you happy. Eventually I think I'll be okay, but from how the last few months have gone it will be hard to accept that they meant nothing, and for once, I would rather have someone else be happy before myself. I never believed the whole if you love something set it free thing, but I think this is something like that, where your happiness means more to me than mine and even if it means I don't get my way.
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January 14th, 2011 at 10:37pm]

[ mood | crappy ]

There are thoughts of you constantly going through my mind.
I think about how I fell for you, the first time I saw you and how I never would have guessed three years down the road we'd be as close as we are. I'm thinking about the last time I saw you, this morning, and how you cuddled me until the moment you had to leave. You're gone for a month, five weeks to be exact. Today is day one, and it's already hard. I didn't get to say the things I wanted. I remember our first hug, first kiss, and first time we ever hung out. I wish you'd kiss me again, this time I want it. I'm ready.

I can remember my mind reeling when he kissed me that first night, thinking I wanted to go forward, but was too hurt from the relationship I just got out of. I remember laying in my bed the first night you stayed and feeling so safe and comfortable. I can still feel your skin on mine, and I still smell you on me. I can feel your smile warming my entire body.

I remember the tears that couldn't stop falling the night you told me you made yourself "overly avaliable" to me.I still remember when you said I wasn't wasting my time on you. I hope that is still true and not the first past.

I remember staring in the mirror asking myself what was so wrong with me that you cannot want me the way I want you. If I was been prettier and had a funnier personality you would have wanted to be with me. If I had been more mysterious and less upfront, or if I had cooked more dinners, or worn a different outfit you would have fallen in love with me.

I keep trying to convince myself it's not me. It's you, you're too busy to even notice what's in front of you. A girl who will wait. A girl who doesn't care how many days out of the year you're gone as long as you spend a few of them cuddled up next to her.
I've been trying so hard to not "freak out" on you lately. But it becomes harder and harder each day. I want to scream at the top of my lungs NOTICE ME! Notice I'm the girl you spend night after night laying next to, who doesn't ask for anything but your time. Who takes you on pointless road trips, who beats you at skee ball, makes you salty lasagna, and watches history channel with you.

Maybe this is crazy of me, but that sounds a bit perfect. Just tell me what you really think! I need to know.I know I said I was done writing to you, but I can't let you go... not yet, not without an answer. Please stop leading me alone.

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