emmylou1225 (emmylou1225) wrote in letterstolovers,
emmylou1225
emmylou1225
letterstolovers

 I'm not sorry about how things worked out. I'm not sorry about the harsh things I said, because to most everyone, you're the town drunk. You reacted about losing your potential child the way you acted when your lizard was sick. You are sick. It is entirely healthy for me to have words towards you, especially with how you act. You lack responsibility, you lack the comprehension to relate to other's pain, even if you help inflict it. I'm happy this happened to me because it opened my eyes that you cannot love someone who doesn't love themselves. I'm sorry you have awful things to say about me and constantly people report that to me. I don't want  to be your friend, I don't want to make things right. You were something I knew that never would be permanent. I looked at you and never saw a future, how could I? You cannot even manage to take control of your life or step up when needed. I convinced myself the coward I saw before me would eventually become a man worthy of the affection, time, and patience I had given. I hope you do move to Chicago, you really, truly, need a wake up call. You live a fantasy life, everyone's supposed to feel bad for you, but you haven't managed to do a damn thing to make yourself a better person. But who knows, maybe with the change of environment you may just do it without going through awful things. If you were so stressed and upset you would seek treatment, if you were so worried about being broke, you'd proactively look for a better or even a second job, if you really cared, you would have forgiven, tried to understand and actually helped. I once felt sorry for you, I once thought I was too hard on you, but now I see it's easier to just not try or let yourself be vulnerable. I know I'm not perfect. I know I did and said wrong things but I always tried to make up for them. I know I cannot insult someone to prove a point. I know that I took a step in the right direction by focusing on my education, being happy for the life I do have and going to therapy. I cannot mourn the fact that I couldn't make things right with you, it takes two, and I was almost always alone, but I can forgive you. I can even forgive you for telling me to just "get over" the abortion since it wasn't my first. That was an obvious low, thoughtless blow on your part. You cannot fathom what it is like to actually go through the process of handling such a thing. It is not like taking a shit, it's a bit less common, more painful, and changes you entirely. I can learn from it. I can smile back on the good moments with you, and recognize that the bad things happened for better things to come. I hope you eventually get yourself straight, it would be a shame to waste such a potentially wonderful person due to things that could be fixed if given the effort. I'm not going to say you deserve hell, but you don't deserve the kindness people have shown you no matter how many times you screw them over. 
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