Crash through...or crash (allisfair) wrote in letterstolovers,
Crash through...or crash
allisfair
letterstolovers

Who do you think you are?

Its been over a month...

and yes I still miss you...

but the real emotion I feel when I think of you is anger.

I feel foolish...I feel used...I feel like I wasted so much of my energy on loving you.

But then I feel guilty for feeling these things.

Were your words true? I suppose they were. But they were the same words you told the rest of the 'widows club'. I feel sick when I think about that...I feel like I want to dig you out of your fancy grave and spit on your casket.

But then I feel guilty for feeling that too.

So, I have moved on...I put your obituary and the draft of the letter I sent you for Christmas in the frame that held the picture that sat by my bed for so many months. I put the frame in a drawer face down so I don't have to look at it any more. I've slowly deleted your saved text messages...reading them one last time and remembering all the truth or lies...the smiles and the pain...the hours of my life wasted each day daydreaming about you and I being together someday.

I don't think of you 24/7 anymore...I almost want to delete every trace of you out of my life...even the people I met because you died. I want to delete your Facebook sometimes...and I refrain for some reason. Probably regret, because I know you will never be able to accept my friend request again. I assigned a new contact on my phone to flash green when they call or text...trying to make a new memory of something that simple...its sounds so stupid but its nice to smile when I see the green flash...a legitimate smile...one that I know for a fact will bring me true happiness. I met a man...a man that is nothing like you. The complete opposite of you...someone who not only cares truly, madly, deeply for me...but a man that actually wants me to be a full part of his life. And I think of you when we are together sometimes...I hope that you are looking down on us and seeing the happiness in my eyes and the smile on my face. I hope you see everything that you could have had...all of me...and I want you to be happy for me and to be sad that you refused to give it a chance.

But then I feel guilty for that too...

So, I will finish removing you from my life...I'm sick of stumbling upon things that remind me of you. I'm sick of your memory haunting me. I will always have our moments we shared deep inside of me somewhere...but I am so glad that you are not around anymore...cause you never changed...you still ran around collecting your jar of hearts. And now your body matches the ice inside of your soul...

And now I feel guilty for even writing this...
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I know how that feels... maybe its time to give up the ghost so to speak... don't feel guilty for any of your emotions, they are all deserved